Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
