he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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