I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
