My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize