Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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