Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
