So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
