i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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