I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
