Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
