she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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