A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
