I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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