Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
