someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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