Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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