Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
