why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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