false alarm. still invincible.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
