Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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