I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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