You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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