just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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