hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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