So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The ass gains better be worth it
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