You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
