Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You're like the curious george of whores
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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