woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
