im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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