the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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