I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
