He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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