Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
