goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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