I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
