I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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