Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
either way he was missing a nipple.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
