tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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