Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
