Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
