my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
