FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
