I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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