Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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