Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
