yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
