There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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