I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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