so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
