And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
