Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
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I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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