there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
