i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
