things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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