awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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