you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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