Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
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Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
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There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going