I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
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No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
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U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.