Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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