I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.