Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
