I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
