Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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